You Are Not Alone
by TeReeses
Summary: The war is over for the Firebringers but for Chris Lightfellow, it isn't quite finished yet ...


**You Are Not Alone**

Chris watched from a small table in the corner of Budehuc's tavern as her knights mingled with the rest of the celebrants. Luc's ambitions had been successfully thwarted and life could now resume as it once was. Catering to the Council, protecting Zexen, catering to the Council some more …

"I should go join them." Chris tried to convince herself. She preferred if she could spend the evening in peace, perhaps catching up on some much needed sleep, but she couldn't leave without acknowledging her allies. After all, they would all return to their homes in due time and she may never have the opportunity to speak with them, let alone see them, again. Chris knew as well that she should treasure each moment with her friends - the only family she had in the world - while she could. She stared at her right hand. They would age and die before her very eyes while she remained unchanged. She swallowed hard and fought back the tears. She'd be alone again. Everyone she had ever cared for in her life would leave her, as her parents did. In the end, she'd wind up being alone … like Luc. Is this what he meant by being a prisoner of the True Rune? No, perhaps not the way he envisioned himself, but she was a prisoner nonetheless.

"Chris?" Her head jolted up at the sound of Nash's voice. "What are you doing over here by yourself? You should be drinking it up with the rest of the knights!"

"Um," Chris averted her eyes from Nash's grinning face. "I don't drink. I … I'm actually tired."

"Understandable." He was silent for a brief moment. "It's funny how we tend to take things for granted during peace."

Chris blinked. "What?"

He looked her in the eyes and smirked. "You know, simple things like comradeship, good health, sleep. None of us have been getting much sleep these past few days, but most especially you True Rune bearers."

Chris stared at her hands in her lap and smiled. "Yeah, but surprisingly, I'm still sitting upright."

"So what's been bothering you so much that you can't bring yourself to have a good time?" Nash's blunt question jolted her again.

"What? Nash …"

"I'm a spy. It's my job to be perceptive."

"Yes, of your surroundings, of possible threats. But of my personal outlook …"

"As a friend, it's my job to be perceptive of your feelings."

Taken aback, Chris stared at him for a minute then turned away abruptly. "No, no it's not. Don't start with me Nash."

"Why are you afraid of companionship?"

Chris knew then that she could never get used to his "approach". But like he said, he was a spy. He was one to get straight to the point. Still, she found his interrogation disconcerting. She was unaware that her hands began to tremble, but it didn't go unnoticed by her companion.

Nash watched her hands and then looked her intently in the eye. "Even with your knights, whom I assume to be your closest friends, you maintain a certain distance."

"How is that … that you can possibly …_ think_ to know such a thing?" Chris glared at him, hands trembling even more.

Nash shrugged. "It's what I see when I observe you with your friends - with everyone actually. I told you, I'm perceptive."

"And how can you be so damn arrogant as to presume to know just what I feel - why I do what I do?" She finally snapped. His smirk didn't help calm her.

"Because you're getting quite worked up."

"Shut up Nash! I do not need to answer your mind-probing, nosy questions!"

"Nope, you don't. Just think of them as rhetorical questions then." Chris continued to glare at Nash, who remained far too calm, far too self-assured for her tastes. "If you don't mind … or even if you do … let me say this: you're afraid of spending the rest of your life alone. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at that hand of yours."

Chris knocked over her chair as she briskly stood up. "How dare you!"

Nash just looked at her. "It's true and you know it. Stop putting yourself through this denial."

"I'm not afraid! And I'm not alone! So you're wrong!"

"Am I?" Nash's inquisitive stare unnerved her even further. Chris gritted her teeth.

"Yes! I'm surrounded by my friends and by my people! I'm surrounded by people …"

Nash cut her off. "… who venerate you as a saint, as a legend, as a hero, as a deity … anything but an ordinary human being - an ordinary woman with ordinary feelings, desires and dreams. They've put you so high on a pedestal that they can no longer relate to you and you can no longer relate to them."

He paused a moment to see if he had her attention. And as Chris seemed to be momentarily speechless and staring at him wide-eyed, it seemed that he did have it. Nash gave a little nod in satisfaction and continued. "You're burdened with their high expectations of you. You were the only female to ascend the ranks of the knights and in order for you to survive in a man's world you had to double your efforts and your resolve. You had to prove to everyone that you succeeded on your own merits and not because you were favored as Lord Wyatt's daughter. And so, you refused to allow yourself to show a moment's weakness."

Anticipating that she was about to say a word or two in protest, Nash held a finger to her lips before she could cut him off. Chris sighed and frowned at him but otherwise remained silent. "You did not allow yourself the joys that most young women take for granted - dances, shopping, first love. In order to compete and triumph over your male companions you had to be equal to them in every way. You forced yourself to bury your emotions. You never allowed yourself to falter at any moment, for any reason. And by so steeling yourself from the world, you feel alienated from the very people you vow to protect and your recent acquisition of the True Water Rune hasn't helped in that regard. You feel burdened with the responsibility of it as well as the responsibility of leading your knights and protecting the Zexen people. At the same time you are aware of the consequences of bearing the True Water Rune - particularly having eternal youth.

Nash paused again, for effect this time, and turned Chris' head to look at him when she tried to look away. She stared into his eyes with something akin to dread on her countenance as he continued his solemn speech. "You are dreading the future when your loved ones grow old and perish before your eyes while you continue to live on, forever the same. You envision yourself being alone in the end and you fear the day when it comes true. You fear this because you already know what it's like to be alone."

Chris, overwhelmed by his take on how he perceived her, was now shaking in anger. Nash did not blink much or stumble over a word during his long-winded speech. He had remained calm as each word gently fell off his lips and he had simply stared at her with an uncanny sense of understanding. Whatever in Sadie's name possessed him to believe that he could ever understand her, let alone attempt to do so? His presumption and arrogance infuriated her. She grabbed the nearest object - a thankfully unlit candle - meaning to throw it in his face. But it merely slipped from her hand and straight down to the floor at her feet where she sank beside it. Her shaking was not subsiding - it was getting worse. But Chris couldn't yell at Nash. She couldn't open her mouth to curse him. She couldn't even look at him. Her eyes were shut tight and it took her a moment to realize that tears were flowing down her cheeks. She clenched her teeth again. How could she weep before this annoying man? How she hated him for making her weak! Chris wanted to hit him when Nash knelt beside her.

"I … can't." She felt she was about to sob uncontrollably and concentrated hard in order to regain her composure.

"You can't what?" He whispered.

Chris remained silent and squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on maintaining self-control. "Never mind." She finally said, wiping the remnants of her tears as she stood up and took a deep breath. "I'm fine."

"Chris …" Chris glared back at Nash, disliking the warning tone in his voice, but as usual, he paid her no heed. "Stop bottling up your feelings. You're human. Emotions are not weak when they are used properly."

"Emotions are irrational. There's no room for the illogical on the battlefield."

Nash dragged his hand through the air beside him in one sweep, emphasizing the scene before them. "You are not on the battlefield at this present moment."

"Every moment in my life is a battle!" Chris blurted in frustration. A brief second passed before she realized she had lost her cool again and she covered her mouth in a futile attempt to take back what she let slip out. Calmly, she added, "Pardon me. I didn't mean to yell at you Nash. What I meant to say was that I'm a knight first and foremost and I fight for the people of Zexen. They don't need an emotional wreck for a captain." Chris paused briefly again then gave a bitter laugh. "And yet, what a wreck I am."

Nash shook his head, his temple in between his thumb and index finger. "You're right, though."

Chris eyed him with suspicion. "I really don't believe that you'd agree with me that easily."

He grinned back. "Of course not. I meant you're right when you blurted out that every moment in your life is a battle." His face turned solemn again. "But that's of your own making - it doesn't have to be that way you know. You're making your life harder than it should be."

"Nash, please," Chris was astounded at how he could test her patience so. "I don't need another preaching from you."

"Listen to me." Nash reached his hand out to lift her chin, tilting her face towards him. Taken by surprise, Chris stared into his eyes again. "Look, I am 37 and I have seen enough of this world and have gone through enough in my lifetime to know. Trust me."

He smirked when she raised her eyebrow at him. "Yes, you can trust me. Just because you're a soldier does not mean that you should forego the simple pleasantries of everyday life. If anything, soldiers need to take the time to enjoy such things more than civilians in order to keep their spirits high and remain strong for future battles. You as Captain ought to understand that the worst thing in prepping for a battle is not little rations, poor armor, or low numbers but bad morale. Knights are human too, Chris. Knights are allowed to enjoy themselves every now and then. Knights are allowed to laugh when they're happy and to cry when they're said. They can get angry and have that anger move them to fight against injustice. Knights can get lonely too and there's nothing wrong when they desire the company of others. You wouldn't deny any of your men such things now, would you?"

"Of course not, I …" Chris stuttered. Nash cut her off again.

"So don't deny yourself the happiness you deserve." He squeezed her arm gently. "Self-sacrifice is noble - to an extent, mind you. But you have a duty to take care of yourself as well. Your men don't want to see you suffer. Your friends don't want to see you suffer. Bottling your feelings in an attempt to hide your pain from them is not a help either. There's always a chance they will find out somehow."

Nash laughed. "From what I can tell of your knights, it's not a matter of if, but when. They are quite protective of you. Keeping things to yourself will not deceive them to believe you are all right but only worry them. You can't be of help to anyone if you neglect yourself."

"Nash, I …" Chris turned away from his piercing glance. She couldn't accept the incredible amount of kindness and compassion in those eyes of his. The stubborn part of her that refused to admit that he was right was slipping. How in the Goddess' name can this man whom she barely knew care so much for her? She felt the tears settle in the corner of her eyes again. Damn him. He was right - so right - and it scared her. How did he see through her so well?

"I … can't get close … to anyone." Chris gave up and let go of her self-restraints as she felt herself inexplicably opening up to Nash. "Because when I do … I'll only end up … losing them … They will all leave me in the end." She took a deep breath. She didn't want to start weeping in front of him. "And … and it hurts to lose. It hurts to be … alone. I don't want to … know that pain ever again."

"Do you think that by distancing yourself you'll actually prevent yourself from feeling the pain of loneliness?" He asked gently.

"Y…yes because if I don't have anything to lose then how will I feel the pain of loss?"

"True, but you'll still feel the pain of not having someone to turn to in your time of need."

"I … yes, you're right." Chris had since swallowed her pride but try as she might, she could not swallow her pain any longer. It was as if Nash took an iron hammer to her walls of self-control and tore them down. He freed her from her prison, so to speak. She then recalled when he first led her on their journey into the Grasslands. He had snuck in her room through an old secret passage in the castle and remarked about how he always wanted to rescue a princess from the tower. She dismissed his little fairy tale and the idea that she was such a thing. He agreed with a smirk - she was a princess, but also a knight, and so that left him without a role. After she refused his offer several times to leave Brass Castle in search for her father, he left. But she encountered him again the next morning in a corner by the shops. She finally gave in and Nash returned through the secret passage that night but this time, it was her who remarked that she had been waiting for her knight to come take her away. Chris reflected on the memory and thought ruefully that she had no idea then how appropriate their little jest was.

Unable to keep them back any longer, Chris felt the tears flowing freely again. Nash was about to hug her when a sound like elephants stampeding reached their ears.

"Lady Chris!" Six simultaneous voices called out.

"What's wrong milady?" Salome knelt down beside her. Chris continued to sob, now with her face buried in her hands, without saying anything.

"Nash! What the hell did you do to Lady Chris?" Borus yanked him up off the floor by his collar.

"Merely lending her an ear, is all." He replied matter-of-factly, smirking at the hotheaded knight as he hung off his grasp. Borus glared at Nash and began to shake him.

"Borus, put him down!" Percival grabbed his friend's shoulder. Borus reluctantly complied and dropped Nash.

" …" Chris tried to subside her sobs to no avail.

"Lady Chris …" Louis whispered.

"I … I don't …"

"You don't …" Leo repeated.

"I don't ... want … to be alone anymore!" To everyone's surprise and to Borus' chagrin, she threw herself at Nash and continued sobbing into his chest. Avoiding Borus' glare of death, he wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair. If not for Leo and Percival, Borus would have throttled Nash to death for his overtly familiar treatment of Chris.

"Shhh. It's all right. We're all here for you, right?"

"That's right, milady. Lady Chris, we're here whenever you need us." Salome said gently.

"But … but … you'll …"

"We'll what?" Percival asked.

"You'll die and … I'll be alone." Her comrades stared at her and then grasping what she meant, looked at her sadly.

"Yes we will," Roland began, "but we'll be here with you until we do."

"I don't want you to die." Chris sobbed harder.

"I sure as hell don't want to die!" Percival grinned and then looked at her somberly. "But when we do, we promise you - knights' honor - that we'll always be here by your side in spirit where we once were in the flesh." Chris was still leaning on Nash's chest but her friends could see her smile softly and mouth 'Thank You'.

After a brief silence, Chris' sobs finally subsided. However, she remained still.

"Lady Chris?" Salome reached out a hand but she didn't move.

"Lady Chris, are you all right?" Percival knelt next to Salome. Still no response.

"Chris?" Nash gently brushed aside her hair from her face. One look at her peaceful face and the awareness of her steady breathing told them she was fast asleep.

"Ah." Salome sighed. "She's had a long week. She deserves some rest."

"She's had a difficult time these past few months, to be precise." Roland commented. "She had to deal with the deaths of Sirs Galahad and Pelize at the time she succeeded as Captain. She had to deal with peacekeeping between Zexen and the Grasslands, its initial failure, as well as the demanding Council."

"Not to mention the discovery that her father was still alive only to meet him again on his deathbed. And then she acquired the True Water Rune with all its baggage." Percival added.

"Lady Chris sure is tough, to be able to handle all that the way she did." Louis surmised.

"Indeed she is." Nash agreed. Shifting Chris in his arms in a way that he could cradle her, he stood up. Borus moved to take her from him but Nash did not hand her over. Percival held Borus back before he could hit the spy. Nash walked out of the tavern, followed by the knights, and across the hall to the empty infirmary. He gently placed Chris on a bed on the far end of the room and added, "But she's as human as any of us. All she needs is a little rest and a little understanding. It appears you are all capable of giving her both, am I correct?"

"And that is no concern of yours you … you ruffian!" Borus growled.

"You, unfortunately, must give her many a headache." Nash shook his head while Borus continued to growl. "Shh! She's sleeping, or haven't you noticed?"

"Hmm, yes, but I can't help agreeing with Borus." Percival put a hand to his chin thoughtfully. "Why are you, a Harmonian, so concerned about her well-being? You barely know her."

"I daresay in the brief time we spent traveling together, we've grown rather close." Nash said with a smirk, knowing full well how Borus would take his words. He grinned when he got his desired reaction from the hotheaded knight known as the Swordsman of Rage. "Seriously though, I've taken a liking to her …"

"Stop it, you scum!" Borus screamed. His comrades and Nash winced at the volume of his voice. To their amazement, Chris did not stir.

"She must be exhausted to sleep through that!" Leo grinned.

"You were saying?" Percival looked at Nash with a raised eyebrow.

"I've come to respect her greatly." Nash smiled. "Her tenacity, her courage, her selflessness. Her inner beauty is as radiant as her lovely face."

"You are not ALLOWED to even insinuate that you are in love with her!"

"Borus, shut UP! You will wake her if you continue!" Percival hissed.

"But he's married!"

Nash chuckled. "Merely a lie to cover up my position. There was no way any of you would have allowed me to travel with her alone if you knew I was unmarried." Percival quickly clamped a hand over Borus' mouth, stifling the loud obscenities that would have spewed forth.

"You are making yourself out to be even less trustworthy." Percival glared.

"I suppose it wouldn't help to tell you that my last name is not Clovis." Nash smirked again at the reactions on the knights' faces.

"I've been patient with you, ruffian," Percival narrowed his eyes further. "but if you don't cease your jesting, I will not hold Borus back any longer. And I am not to be held liable for any injuries he will cause you."

"He probably brainwashed Lady Chris during their outing together!" Borus hissed. Nash, taking great amusement in Borus' obsessive and exaggerated behavior, laughed heartily, which only angered Borus further.

"Lord Salome?" Percival turned to their strategist and vice-Captain. "It was your idea that they travel together."

"That's right!" Borus turned his anger to Salome. "This is all your fault!" Leo smacked the back of his head, which also merited him with a furious glare from Borus.

"Yes, it was my idea. Contrary to what you think, Nash is a reliable, honorable fellow and I placed my utmost trust in him to look after Lady Chris. I do not believe that I made the wrong decision."

Nash grinned. "Thank you, Sir Salome. You see, gentlemen?"

"He brainwashed Lord Salome too!" Borus yelled.

"Good grief." Leo groaned.

"I'm sorry for the teasing, really I am. It's all in good fun though." Nash laughed. He ignored the dark clouds rising above Borus' head. "I never said that I was actually in LOVE with her, although I know it to be true of you poor lovesick young puppies." Nash walked out of the room and back to the tavern knowing that Borus was about to erupt into another tantrum.

Nash continued. "I do care for her though. I care that she finds happiness, especially after all she's gone through." The knights were surprised to see Nash look so wistful. "She reminds me of my younger sister." Nash turned to them with a serious look on his face. "You have to stop your idolization of her. She hates it. She loathes being called the Silver Maiden or being seen as a lofty hero. She just wants to be treated like an ordinary woman. She wants to be close to you and not just be your superior. She wants real friends. And as her friend, I'd hate to see her so unhappy." Nash glanced out the door in the direction of the ward. "I'm sure you don't want her to be unhappy as well." He turned back to them and nodded. Nash stretched. "So then, on that note, I think I'll be on my way. I did promise Bishop Sasarai a drink before we head back to Harmonia. Ta ta, Sir Knights." They followed Nash with their eyes until he disappeared in the crowd.

"In fact," Salome said quietly, but loud enough that the others could hear, "I do believe I made the right decision."


End file.
